Updated: Aug 13
I still feel second-best, that I still feel on the outside, looking in.
This is our final session – and I blurt out that I still feel second-best, that I still feel on the outside, looking in. Gwen asks me when I first felt like this, quick-quick without “thinking”, and there I am, sitting alone on the stairs while everyone else is “inside”, having dinner or fun or something, and I felt unfairly treated, resentful, sad, lonely and utterly helpless: they were in there and I wasn’t allowed to be with them so there must be something wrong with me – second-best, never allowed to shine, somehow I just didn’t measure up.
Which morphed into this other dreadful nightmare from my growing-up years and well into adulthood: the high featureless white wall with the unreachable entrance; all of life and fun and happiness going on inside and I was on the outside, no way in. I was small and so utterly alone, so excluded, so hopeless. The intensity was around 8, a feeling of dread in my belly and throat.
We tapped and tapped and what it most strongly connected with was overwhelm. And Gwen, beautiful clever intuitive gifted Gwen, flipped the image from a wall that excluded me, made by others to shut me out, to one I’d put there to keep myself safe from the overwhelming assault of all the incomprehensible stuff coming at me thick and fast from all sides: I was a hypersensitive child and utterly alone with it. I did the best I could to keep myself safe. The feeling of dread changed to one of gratitude, and the intensity dwindled down to nothing.
I remembered a recent family celebration where I sat amongst relatives and friends; some I love, some not so much, and I was aware of the strong connections between most of them whereas I, having lived abroad for over 3 decades, was more “on the outside, looking in” – and
I realized that it didn’t trigger me. I was all right with it! It didn’t feel like a reflection on my value. This realization has stayed with me ever since: I don’t have to be “included” in everything to feel valued, it’s safe to let stuff play out without me. I can just be as I am, let others be how they are, and it’s all right. How cool is that??
Tapping with Gwen I became aware of connections I couldn’t see before. We would clear the associated panic and fear so that I could honour and accept the original old feeling, send it love, and allow myself to see my reaction as my small-child self doing the best she could to keep herself safe in often incomprehensible and overwhelming situations. This brought me to a feeling of peace about it. I felt the profound relief of that old assumption, that old belief being released from every cell of my being.
You’ll notice how, even though this program is about clearing money messages, it’s really about so much more: the money messages are just the visible part of the iceberg and as the sessions progress, you’ll uncover root causes you were not aware of, and you release them. As a result, your attitude towards money changes.
With me, the customary feeling of dread connected with “lack” and “never enough” I used to wake up with and go to sleep with has quietly slipped away. I no longer feel that I’m incapable of allowing prosperity into my life.
And if you should wonder whether this has resulted in any hard cash: as a result of me allowing a “maybe” where before I could only see a harsh “no way” I now have a steady monthly income that pays my basic bills, and after months of nothing I now have two book translations and a website-update translation lined up.
My website for shamanic work is not finished yet but I’m much less cagey about this part of me. Overall, a massive weight has shifted off my life as a direct result of daring to Transform My Subconscious Money Messages with Gwen.